Writing Samples

THE RABBIT HOLE

It's 11 am, and I already feel the heat seeping through our 100 year old windows — Beck's Morning Phase sings through the warm sounds of vinyl while I feel the cool touch of paper as I fervently journal my ramblings. A brief wave of grief, followed by tranquility overcome me. ⁣

⁣I’m usually pensive this time of year — often reminded of the last couple months of my mother's life, now almost 2 years ago (come end of Nov). I ride the ebb and flow of pain that comes with reliving some of those dark moments, while simultaneously holding on to it because I see her so vividly. My mind plays it like a videotape on repeat -- it's haunting and beautiful at the same time. This is my new normal...⁣

⁣Life has changed so much since then...This home. This life I've built — being stable in a strange & volatile time, where ten years ago this’d be the perfect recipe for me to collapse on myself and fall into my familiar depression oblivion...these are moments & accomplishments I wish she could see...I'm far from impervious though--⁣

—I look down at my hands, and suddenly notice some lines I didn't see before.⁣

The concept of time seems to accelerate as I age—

⁣I take a deep breath...and exhale all of the pain. "Fuck it," I mumble to myself.⁣

Being so acquainted with death has me wanting to feel more alive than ever. To feel. To touch. To connect with those around me and my surroundings. I want to love too much, take those risks, give too much of myself, and spend time with those I love and enjoy being around, even if the pleasure is only fleeting and momentary...

Original post: https://www.instagram.com/p/CE2cBVgnBDB/

LIGHT AND SHADOW

"All the variety, all the charm, all the beauty of life is made up of light and shadow.” I loved reading “Anna Karenina” growing up, and this sentence always resonated with me...the duality between light and darkness and Tolstoy’s ability to beautifully portray two sides of the same coin. Being exposed to the not so pleasant sides of life at such a young age taught me life is fraught with paradoxes: Good and evil. Pleasure and pain. Black and white. Light and shadow.

I’ve always felt on a deep level the contrast of this in our lives, the complexities of our human behavior, and figuring out how to find the light in the darkness within my surroundings and situations. And our perceptions of this is what makes it uniquely ours, so complex, and so beautiful. None of us see the same thing. Variety, charm, and beauty are so innately and distinctively human and something that we define for ourselves. Light and shadow surrounds us in every way. What we do with it is what defines our lives—

DEAR MOMMA

Dear Momma,

This photo was taken the day before you passed. I felt guilty for attending this lovely, holiday festive event, instead wanting to stay by your side to cherish any sort of moment with you. But I know that isn't what you’d want for me, so I pushed through and went. I wanted to enjoy myself, but I struggled— often catching myself checked out and having trouble being present. It felt like I was outside of my own body; I envied the women who only had to look forward to their next workout, lavish party or holiday getaway, because I feel no joy in any of that right now. It all seems so insignificant. I felt like I couldn't connect with anyone, and that's a sad feeling. But I don't want to feel this way, & you wouldn't want me to either, so I put on that fake smile, and I keep trying to push through, hoping that one day I can feel that joy, I ever so faked in this photo, again.

Original post: https://www.instagram.com/p/BrlLSbSgSUF/